A Letter to Mom

Hi Mom, how are you there?

I believe you are good and happy in heaven now :)

It has been 6 days since your death and 2 days before was your burial procession. All have been going smooth from the plane tickets, cargo delivery, and you've been transported safe and sound to your resting place in Bangka as you requested.

Things have been quite hectic for all of us since you're gone. I haven't really had a long time to think about you and our times together these 20 years. Our home is still in a mess, especially your wardrobe and document shelf ..... (forgive me please :p) because I searched through and prepared your important documents, clothes and other things to be put inside your coffin, and other preparations for your funeral.

It is now that I sit on the gazebo in grandma's house, gain the moment to look at our photos collection and reminiscing what has already happened.

Friends and relatives mostly asked me "How are you feeling?"

No exact words could describe what I actually felt. I could only answer "Ya...... begitulah" (now I even couldn't find the correct translation for this). It's mixed.

Sad because you're gone
Relieved because you're now free from pain.

No more chemo, no more pleural punction, no more blood aspiration from foot, and other things that inflicted pain to you.

But most of all, I think it's also because my knowledge as medical student that help me to keep my brain as rational as possible. Accepting that it is already the "time" and seeing Dad who's already broken, I've got no other choice rite? I must be strong to support Dad and ease his sorrow.

I do really appreciate sympathy and morale supports from my dear friends and family, all here to remind me that "Life Goes On". That alone also helped my mental recovery to acceptance phase, if not..... I might be entering denial phase and turns into depression syndrome (just like my last term's OSCE Mental Status Examination Case). Thankyou guys, only God could reply your kindness 💙

So many people love you Mom, even vegetable seller and fishmonger also came to funeral home. They will really miss your chatty loud voices shopping for groceries every morning.

Even until the end, you still did your best for all of us and indeed I could see how beautiful His plan for my life. Some people might think my loss is such an unfortunate event in my holiday phase. But looking from all perpectives of view, let's just be grateful for all things that have happened. Yeah, too much things to be thankful for........

You went to heaven exactly 1 day after I finished my trip to Japan. Even during my time there, when I checked upon your condition....you are good and stable, chatty as usual. I was already prepared to gave up on this long planned trip when you were hospitalized in late May because of muscle stiffness and doctor told me that you were already in palliative treatment. But you and Dad still encouraged me to go as planned, gave me the chance to explore my favourite country, and let me spend my time with ease.

You went to heaven on my holiday phase. It's about 1 month before I'm back to campus hectic life, my last term on pre-clinic phase. Luckily, I'm not in any organizational task and KTI things. I could not imagine how difficult it will be if it happens when I'm back to campus, moreover if I'm already in co-ass. The worst case is I might not graduate on time. You knew this all along, from our chats long before, about how my colleagues took a temporary leave because various reasons. One of them is because their mother/father is sick. For sure, I knew that Dad and you always prepared the best for me and won't make things burdensome on me. The best I could do to repay you is to graduate on time :')  Now I could prepare documents for your death certificate, insurance matters, etc calmly because it's still holiday.

My KTI was already finished last year, back when you still in good condition like you've never been in touch with cancer. I still remembered that you prepared lime and honey, ginseng, and a complete set of breakfast meal on 6 AM for about 1 month from mid June to mid July when I took samples from St. Carolus nursing students everyday. Dad also sometimes made me a hot milk on nights when I pulled a nighter for KTI. Your proud and happy expression last December after KTI judgement day, my participation to international conferences for 2 times, all still attached in my memories perfectly.

Oh, alright. Not only me, but also my uncle, aunt, cousins all still in holiday phase too. It's just a few days left before Eid al-Fitr. They all permitted from their offices to send you back to Bangka. Indeed, your noisy "Markum Big Family" all aboard the same plane with you :) From the boarding hall B7, we also could see your white coffin in red cargo number 130.

From Depati Amir Airport in Pangkal Pinang, there are about 25 cars marching in line behind you. Yep, we caused quite a traffic lol. I could remember your annoyed expression back then when we stucked in traffic, moreover if it was because president's car and his bodyguard. Well, it's now your turn Mom! Everyone happily became your bodyguard and opened the road for you :)

My only regret and still leave a hole in my heart is the fact that you could not see me until I become a full-fledge doctor, or at least until my graduation ceremony next year. But it's okay, time will heal everything and I will try my best on my study. I believe you will watch me from heaven and you will see your silly daughter's graduation but from a different world. Please do protect me, okay? It's now only OSCE and OSCA which terrify me the most from not able to fulfill my promise (graduate on time) on your deathbed.

June 19th was the last time ever you congratulated me for passing 3rd SOCA exam. Due to muscle stiffness, you...who barely could lift a cup but still raised your hand on that day to give me a congratulation handshake :') All shall be sweet memories from now on. Please do watch Dad, big bro, and me alright? Just scold Dad through dreams if he ever steal a chance for eating something that on his banned food list.

Thankyou for your undying love, caring, and attention for these past 20 years.
I'm gonna miss your noisy nagging all the time :')

Sincerely,

Your silly-sampat-jese daughter